Idiots-Per-Mile

Speed limit snailI’m a very good driver. I don’t mean that I always drive one mile-per-hour under the speed limit and completely stop for three seconds at every stop sign, I mean that I know where I am on the road and have very good reaction time.

And I like to drive fast.

If the founding fathers had known what a car was, the Right to Drive Fast would have been in the second amendment alongside bearing arms. But, alas, guns were invented before cars so I’m out of luck.

2ndAmendment speeding
Revised 2nd Amendment: Right to Drive Fast

I’ve gotten my share of speeding tickets in my life – though not as many as you might think. There should be a special defense I can use in court – the Stupid Speed Limit defense – when I’m driving at an appropriate and perfectly safe speed, but the speed limit sign seems to be suffering from a virus that halves the number.

Office speed limits
Speed limits set in the Department of Unnecessary Restrictions.

I know quite a lot about how laws are made, but I have no idea who comes up with these speed limits or the process to change a stupid speed limit. I don’t vote on speed limits. They’re not usually open for public debate. I assume there’s some boring official somewhere (who probably bikes into work) with no place to go making up speed limits.

So, I’m driving across Iowa on a perfectly straight road, no cows or pedestrians or other cars in sight and I’m supposed to drive 55 MPH. Somewhere in Iowa there might be a 70 MPH sign, but not where I am. The only thing that gives me any enjoyment is thinking that the car in front of me might be driven by Mario Andretti and he’s also expected to drive 55 MPH. Instead, I come upon a guy in a pickup truck wearing a hat driving 53 MPH. Why a hat? Why a pickup truck? These things I have never understood, but it seems always the case.

I grew up in the rural Midwest where children learn to drive by the age of 12 (not legally, but who else is going to move the tractor?) and where there are miles and miles of unobstructed road. You’d think rural folks would drive fast (we did). Instead they drive slowly. I guess they’re in no hurry to get anywhere. Or maybe their hats are too tight.

While 55 MPH might have been an appropriate speed in the 1950s, I drive a 21st century car. They not only get better gas mileage and are safer, but they handle better as well. And, I have had a lot more training than my ancestors (Grand Theft Auto). Also, I don’t wear a hat.

Speed sticker
Superior Driver Approved to Drive 120 MPH

Now granted Americans on the whole are crap drivers. In England the pass rate for driving tests is about 50%. In America you can pass your driving test by correctly turning on the ignition. But surely there could be a way for me to take an Advanced Placement driving test to show that I am a superior driver. If I pass, I could have some sort of sticker on the back of my car telling the police that I’m ok to drive 120 MPH down the interstate.

But America is against fast drivers. This seems like Race-ism to me (I couldn’t resist).

I’m Jae and I give this message a green light.

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