The Parking Gods Smiled

parking godI’m out shopping for Christmas gifts. I’m not sure why, I have Amazon on my web. I guess I’m just old-fashioned. I want to be the hunter stalking the perfect gift through the mall and once I find it, wait for just the right sale to pounce!

But I’m a lazy shopper. I didn’t hunt my prey on the first day of hunting season (i.e., Black Friday). I waited for the dust from the stampede to settle before venturing out of the safety of my home. I know, as a committed shopper, I should be waiting in line while eating my Turkey, but I just can’t be arsed (for those of you non-Brits out there, arse = ass and “can’t be arsed” is slang for “can’t be bothered”. Now, stop arsing about and finish reading this post!)

But I haven’t yet made it to the mall. I’m still circling the car park waiting, searching for just the right spot (i.e., one without a car in it.) Actually, just any old empty spot won’t do. The spots a mile away from the mall would give me much needed exercise, but then I’d have to hike back into the wild with my catch-of-the-day. Much better if I find space close to the entrance.

There’s one! No, the big fat Subaru got there first. Surely, I’ve been in this holding pattern longer than she has.

I wind around the maze that is the mall’s parking lot hoping to sneak up on an unsuspecting parking space. Damn, U-turn. Why do the people who plan mall parking lots put in so many dead ends? I need to turn my GPS on just to find my way around the parking lot.

I see a car pulling out of a space, but it’s three rows over. It’ll be taken before I can get there even if I burn rubber. And what idiot taught this person to park? Even my small little car can’t squeeze into the ½ space left.

Parking terminally lazy
Parking Space Reserved for the Terminally Lazy

But finally, a space opens up right in front of the mall. It’s not even a handicapped space or one for expectant mothers – do I have to prove this to park in these spot? What about the terminally lazy? Why don’t we get our own spaces? How about those of us with cute, but completely impractical, footwear?

I wait patiently while the driver currently occupying the spot tweets War & Peace on her iPhone, makes sure the movie is turned on for the kids, and puts on another coat of lip gloss. Maybe this is a cruel trick and this family is planning on camping overnight in this parking space.

I see you, new and trendy Prius, thinking you’re going to get this space instead of me. But I was here first, my blinker’s on and everything. And my paint work is already scuffed up, so I have nothing to lose. There’s nothing for you here… this isn’t the space you’re looking for… move along.

Jaes parking spot
This Space has my Name on It.

Finally, the backup lights come on and after a 17-point turn to maneuver the Tahoe out of the space, it’s finally free for me!

The parking gods have at last smiled upon me.

I’m Jae and I accept this message as a sign from the gods.

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6 thoughts on “The Parking Gods Smiled

  1. My wife is like that. She always has to find a spot right up from. We spend most of the holiday season orbiting parking lots. When I ask her why she doesn’t shop online, she says, “It’s no fun” as if choking on fumes is.

    Me? I shop in places where no one else wants to go. People are often puzzled by my Christmas gifts. They ask ever so politely, why I gave them a 4′ X 8′ sheet of corrugated iron Christmas? I tell them it only took me a moment to buy and the lumberyard loaded it in my trailer for me. They even gift wrapped it.

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  2. LOL you are a different kind of lazy than me. I have zero patience with looking for a spot. I’ll park in the first spot I see and walk in just to avoid the frustration of looking. You are what we used to call parking lot hawks, circling until you find your spot.

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