I think this headline should read missing brains were destroyed. Not the brains of 52,000 current students – these aren’t being destroyed in any way in the UT brain factory; the university wants to be quite clear on that point. The brains in question were those of alumni (i.e., students who have already paid their bill).
This story wouldn’t have been news if the university had lost say, 100 jars of pickled human kidneys – well, not unless by “lost” you mean “served for lunch in the student cafeteria as an extreme budget-cutting exercise”. Kidneys are a dime-a-dozen (at least they are at University Catering), but human brains are in short supply. For instance, at last count only three actual brains currently serve in the U.S. Congress.
“It’s such a waste,” said one university professor, “the students rarely have access to brains and they could have learned so much – even mangy brains would be something.” When asked about the students’ OWN brains, the professor waived away the question “Oh, students don’t use those.”
The university is quick to defend the destruction of the brains – or will be once they discover when the brains were destroyed and by whom and why. Their best guess is 2002. Unnamed Environmental Workers (whatever this is). Because the brains were sub-par. How environmental workers (i.e., not biologists or neuroscientists) determined the sub-parredness of the brains was not reported. Officials are certain, however that the brains were disposed of properly – and not sent to sub-par campuses where admission standards are lower and the brains would have fitted in nicely.
“The brains were defective,” insists a university spokesman. “It’s not as if the brains were famous or anything and could be auctioned off to raise money to send the Basketball team to the Rose Bowl – not to play of course, they just want to go for the experience.”
After an extensive investigation Adam Voorhes, author of the recently published exposé Malformed: Forgotten Brains of the Texas State Mental Hospital, admits that the brains were in fact defective and belonged to patients at the Texas State Lunatic Asylum (later known as Austin State University). “It shouldn’t matter,” Voorhes insisted, “a mind is a terrible thing to waste.”
Officials maintain that this story is just a veiled marketing strategy to make brains sexy and help Voorhes sell more books.
Surprisingly, the discovery of the missing brains did not provoke outrage among the student body. Probably because these bodies still have their brains. But students missed an opportunity to stage a walk out and skip class – proving that students don’t in fact use the brains that God gave them.
After the outcry over the missing brains, lawyers from the Austin State Hospital are considering requesting their brains back. They were donated under a “temporary possession” agreement, so lawyers are optimistic. This could open the floodgates on the recall of all sorts of other donations. It is speculated (by this blogger) that the Willie Collection is also in danger.
Reluctantly, the university has agreed to replace the missing brains with fresh ones and they are looking for new donors.
I’m Jae and this message is posted as part of a temporary possession agreement.