Santa Blahs

 Santa squashed Odd News – Christmas Edition

I’m sure for the Christmas Edition of Odd News, you’re expecting me to pull out a story of a Santa getting stuck in a chimney, but surprising as it may seem, this hardly ever happens in real life (I looked). Oh plenty of stupid people get stuck in chimneys, but they’re almost never dressed as Santa (and here) – and they rarely intend on leaving gifts. Just a quick tip though: if you do get stuck in a chimney, you will make the odd news reports and Santa will be mentioned regardless of how you’re dressed.

Stuck_in_chimney
Santa Stuck in Chimney – Hardly Ever Happens

Or maybe you’re expecting a story about an ironically evil Santa (or four) robbing little old ladies (or jewelry stores) at gunpoint.

Headline: Santa Gang Rob Albanian Jewelry Store

Since Santas don’t generally move around in gangs, this should have been a clue; even the most challenged child will figure out that Santa isn’t real if he sees them in six-packs. But you have to admit that this was a good idea for a robbery on Christmas Eve. A Santa suit is a great disguise; all sorts of things can be hidden in that jolly belly (AK-47s for instance) and the sack can collect gifts as well as bring them. Santa expects cookies for Christmas, why not carats? The only disappointing thing in this story is that the getaway car was a Mercedes and not red – or a sleigh with Rudolf in the driver’s seat.

Christmas-Evil-13
Do you Recognize this Santa?

Or maybe you were just hoping for funny photos of Santas doing un-Santa like things like surfing or drinking, or being zombies (or being black – by all means Megyn, let’s have all the facts about this fictional character). I’m sure Santa, like anyone else, needs to let his hair down every once in a while. Celebrities have to expect a few paparazzi photos now and then.

Cute letters to Santa are also favorites in the odd news reports – as are the psychos who answer them (and here). It isn’t enough that parents lie to their own children, but complete strangers doing it is just creepy. It’s hard to tell the difference between the official lies and the unofficial ones. We should definitely be teaching kids that the only thing they need to do is ask for what they want and it will magically appear – if they’ve been good (*wink*). Great life lesson. Parents, just make sure you tell your children the truth before they get too old – definitely before they can’t use your health insurance any longer.

Even the government is in on the act. NORAD – the North American Aerospace Defense Command (sounds serious) seems to have changed their mission. The same organization designed to track Russian missiles now tracks mistletoe.

I could find a story about seasonal Santas working in malls (Calling all pedophiles!) and kids waiting in line for hours (and hours) to tell a complete stranger in a Santa suit all of their hopes and dreams – unless you happen to be sporting a pit bull – but it’s more fun to talk about the ways kids learn there is no Santa. Either that, or stories about Santa’s deportation.

santa grave
Santa’s Dead!

In reality, I just couldn’t decide on one odd news story, so I put them all in (see if you can find all 20). I don’t know what it is about the big guy in the red suit that brings out the odd [news] in people.

I’m Jae and this message is for Santa: I want $250K in unmarked bills to be left under the Christmas tree on December 25th exactly at midnight. Come alone.

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