Headline: Man Runs Over Own Head
The story is a bit short on details, but basically a man ran over his own head – with his own truck. Alcohol was not involved – this is important to note because no series of sane events leads to a man running over his own head with his own truck. Large amounts of alcohol would provide at least some explanation.
The day started normally enough for this smoker, whose identity has been withheld to preserve a little sense of dignity. He lit his third cigarette of the day – or was it his fourth? – it doesn’t matter because afterwards he made the first of many poor decisions of the morning – he decided to drive while smoking.
Driving and smoking is well beyond the multitasking abilities of most men.
But experienced smokers play with fire all the time. They know how long it takes before the cigarette, which is killing them slowly, becomes an immediate fire hazard. Maybe due to a lack of coffee or a poor night’s sleep, this smoker forgot that with smoke comes fire.
So, now the smoker is on fire. At least I assume he is, for anything less than a blaze it seems like his next decision was also a poor one – he jumped out of a moving vehicle. Granted, he was just backing out of his driveway, but the vehicle was still moving. Brushing the burning ash off his jacket would have been the more sensible move, but maybe it was a designer jacket or he’d just detailed his truck. Either way, putting the truck into park seems a better first step.
He should have remembered his youthful training: When on fire, “Stop, Drop & Roll” – he did miss out that first step. Maybe he was absent from school that day. But he did get the “Drop & Roll” bit right. At least that’s the only thing that he could possibly have done to put his actual head under the actual truck.
Now, I have on occasion stumbled when getting out of my car – and this is the important bit – I stumbled away from the car. Even if I belatedly realized that my car was still moving, I would turn around to try and stop the car and maybe my foot gets it in the neck (you know what I mean). But short of a maniacal game of Twister, there’s no sequence of events that would put my actual head under my actual car.
But we may never know what happened – the witness couldn’t stop laughing long enough to give police a statement. Police and paramedics had a difficult time dealing with the incident, but they are professionals and trained to keep a straight face while dealing with emergencies.
Surprisingly, the man is expected to survive, but it will be difficult to measure mental impairment given the pre-accident deficiencies.
A police spokesman, who was of course asked for a moral or some advice for other motorists, said, “Don’t drive while stupid.”
I’m Jae and this message is a reminder that smoking kills – or can at least severely flatten your head.