Boyz to Men

Scout SignMany a wholesome life-lesson has been learned by participating in the Scouts (either gender). This week’s Odd News is about a nature hike gone horribly wrong and a lesson this Boy Scout troop will never forget.

Headline: Cub Scouts’ Hike Leads to Nude Beach

Some might say this is a story of over reaction. One Boy Scout troop takes a wrong turn on a hike and it makes the national (odd) news. It’s not like this troop was lost for weeks on a mountain in the winter with nothing to eat but each other, they were hiking along a beach one morning and wandered into naturist territory.

Panic ensued.

Parents were outraged.

Meetings were held.

News was written.

Scout officials downplayed the incident insisting the boys were never in danger. “The pack encountered some individuals who were inappropriately dressed.” Which isn’t strictly accurate as the beach in question was a nude beach. “Appropriate” in this context means “nude”.)

“We assume there were pedophiles on the beach, as one pervert is the same as another, but they rarely attack when adults are around.”

2009banner
Black’s Beach – A Desegregated Nudist Beach

The boys were quickly rerouted by panicked adults before any permanent damage was done, though some of the boys had already removed their Scout-issue neckerchiefs and were making a break for the beach.

The boys’ parents who, as a group, have never, ever taken their clothes off (even during conception) protested the hike insisting that the Scouts stand for all the wholesomeness (AKA prudishness) that is America.

“If we wanted our boys to see naked men, we’d enroll them in sports. If we wanted our boys to see naked women, we’d let them watch basic cable. If we wanted our boys to see both, we’d take them to Europe,” explained one parent.

“This is the very reason we keep the Boy and Girl Scouts separate,” argued another, though it is unclear why.

School officials declined to comment on the record, but noted that the Scouts had missed perfect opportunity for some general sex education or at least an anatomy lesson. “Where better to have a talk about the birds and the bees than the beach?,” said an unnamed educator.

This incident comes as the Boy Scouts are under fire for their banning of gay scout masters following the logic that from one gay scout master comes many gay scouts. It is clear that Scouts leaders failed basic sex education (there’s not a merit badge for that).

While the parents and officials were panicking at the possible public penis exposure, the Boy Scout troop in question met secretly to design a new merit badge.

Badge naked
Naturist Merit Badge

To earn the new Naturist badge, a scout must do the following:

  1. Go to a Naturist beach and observe the many body types freely accepted.
  2. Talk to at least 3 naturists about their life choices.
  3. Find the nude baby photos of himself that all parents seem obliged to take.
  4. Describe the difference between a naturist beach and a regular beach in terms of square yardage of cloth used.
  5. Remove clothing and go for a dip.

When the boys are a bit older, they will probably design other relevant merit badges conspicuously absent from current offerings: Dating, Dancing, Valentine-Present Selection, Safe Sex, Fatherhood (preferably earned in order), and other skills the boys will need to become men.

Badges
Newly Designed Merit Badges for Dating, Dancing, Valentine-Present Selection, Safe Sex, Fatherhood

A nude sunbather was approached for comment on the Boy Scouts trespassing onto the beach. “What boy scouts?,” he asked.

I’m Jae and this message was written by a former Girl Scout.

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