Litigation of the frivolous variety makes Odd News all the time – or it should. With thousands of plaintiffs playing the Lottery Litigation game, it takes a lot to shock the U.S. court system these days. But this particular lawsuit sent a jolt that would awaken Frankenstein’s monster.
New York makes the headline, but it’s not just the city of New York that’s being sued – apparently every business and person in New York is listed individually, prioritized in order of 1) prosperity and 2) potential gullibility.
Topping the list are Au Bon Pain (an up-market Quiznos), Carepoint Health, Hoboken University Medical Center, Kmart (Store 7749), the St. Luke’s Emergency Dept., New York City Transit Authority, the City of New York, NYC MTA, LaGuardia Airport Administration, and some dog walker the plaintiff met on the bus.
So, apparently everyone in New York City has injured Anton Purisima in some way and must pay.
I feel particularly qualified to write about big money lawsuits not because I’m a lawyer. Lawyers are the worst people to ask about law – they can’t agree on anything. Haven’t you noticed that for every lawyer arguing one side of a legal issue, there’s another arguing against? They should send all the lawyers to school somewhere to get their stories straight.
I’m qualified because I live in the Class Action Capital of America. You didn’t know there was one? There is, and I live here – spitting distance from where billion dollar settlements happen.
Unfortunately, they won’t let me anywhere near the jury box. I do, however, get to vote for the judges – you know the ones that hit Philip Morris with a $10 billion dollar bill.
But unfortunately for Purisima, he’s lost before he starts – not on the merits of the lawsuit, but because there’s only about $241 trillion in the world. That might seem like a lot of money, but the world’s still about 24 zeros, or a septillion, short of the named amount – oh, plus another undecillion dollars (he wants 2).
I suppose asking for more money than the world can offer is fair considering the extent of the injury. The suit claims civil rights violations, personal injury, discrimination, retaliation, harassment, fraud, attempted murder (probably should have listed this one first), intentional infliction of emotional distress, and conspiracy to defraud. Also, someone stole his milk money when he was 8 and his music teacher looked at him funny once in choir practice.
The headline should probably read Man Sues Everyone for Everything.
The inciting action came when Purisima was bitten by a dog on a bus. There’s also something about a hospital and unauthorized tourist photos taken by a Chinese couple. Oddly enough, China is not listed in the law suit. This is a huge oversight. China is the only country with any money. The offending photos have yet to be released to the press.
Unknown is what the cafe, Kmart, and the airport have to do with anything.
Your writing challenge for today is to construct a story that begins with a dog bite on a bus and ends with a law suit – with stops at Au Bon Pain, various hospitals, Kmart (Store 7749), and the airport along the way.
If Purisima can do it, so can you!
I’m Jae and don’t bother suing me for this message, it’s already been named in a class action.